Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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