Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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