hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize