I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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