I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
