I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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