Where is the hickey?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
