so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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