Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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