she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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