peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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