My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
