Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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