You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
