This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
