Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize