I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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