is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
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