omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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