I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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