i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
