I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
