the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
this hospital has no fireball
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
