I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
