if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
