So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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