every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
