so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
