wake up i wanna do it froggy style
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
