I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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