Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Randomize
