hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wish my penis had a tongue
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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