Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
