listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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