dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Naked. naked and bneed help.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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