No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
