i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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