whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
