I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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