someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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