omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
