I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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