I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
