I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize