dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
