DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wish there were birth control emojis
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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