areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He passed out mid-signature
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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