No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize