just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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