There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
