Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
