you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize