sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
