last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
