I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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