I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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