Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
